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Life is Strange: Before the Storm – Episode 1 Part 2 is up on YouTube!

Just like the title says! The next Let’s Play is out and it’s Life is Strange: Before the Storm! I finished episode 1 and it was a lot of fun. I didn’t expect the ending at all and I’m super stoked to start Episode 2 in the next couple of days. If you’re interested in checking out the video, it’s right below!

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My Experience as a Transgender Mother

To start, I’ll preface this with letting you know that my experience is unique in that my son did not know me at all before my transition. Because of this, I will not be sharing anything about what it was like for him to have to switch from calling me dad to mom or anything like that.

My son, Wyatt, is 6 years old. If I’m being honest, he’s a bit of a brat and all he really cares about is playing video games. Due to various reasons, I was not in his life for 5.5 years, but I fortunately, I get to spend every day with him now. When I first came back into Wyatt’s life, I lived in Atlanta, GA and he lived in Ohio. This meant that for the first 3ish months, our only interactions were on the phone talking on calls or video chat. I remember when I first started talking to him, I was super self conscious about my facial hair and would only talk to him when I had makeup on. I also tried to feminize my voice as much as possible, something that I don’t tend to do with people that I’m comfortable with. To me, making sure that he saw me as a woman was super important, even if he didn’t know I was his other “parent”. I wanted him to know me as Scylla, not as the person I was before.

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Fast-forward and it was March, 2017. I came to Ohio to visit Wyatt for the first time and then we saw one another once a month from there on out (I would come to Ohio to visit or he and my partner would come see me in GA). In the beginning, my partner, Tara, and I were hyper-vigilant about Wyatt not seeing any part of me that was male. That lasted about as long as you’d expect with a kid who barely understands boundaries. I remember there was a point where we thought he might have seen me naked coming out of the shower because he peaked and I remember there was this whole time where we didn’t know what to do. Eventually Tara talked to him and asked if he had seen anything, to which he promptly lied before finally giving in and admitting he’d seen my privates.

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Here’s the thing: Tara and I had thought it was going to be some sort of super complicated production explaining what I am to Wyatt. In reality, it wasn’t. He was incredibly receptive to it and ever since hasn’t questioned that not all boys and girls fit the “norm” that he has believed his whole life. If I’m being honest, I think that all he really cared about is whether or not I’d play video games with him or at least talk to him about games. I don’t think my genitalia or my gender matter to him in the slightest.

There was one issue that came up a few months later. In one of my own episodes of self-doubt, I asked Wyatt how he felt about not having a dad. Unsurprisingly to me, Wyatt admitted that he was sad that he didn’t have a dad. This had been a huge fear of mine since I came back into his life, and I know that it had been asked several times by both my family and Tara’s family, and I felt horrible for being the reason that he didn’t have a dad. I still do feel terrible sometimes when I think about it, mostly because my choices in my life have made him a target. When it comes to family projects at school, he now has to explain in even more complicated terms that he doesn’t have a dad, but he has 2 moms. Sure, there are plenty of families where there are 2 moms, but the whole concept is different when he’s growing up in a small Ohio town and people meet me and I’m not passing as well as I feel I should be. Then again, there’s a certain point where it’s my own insecurities and I just worry about what my status as a trans woman does to the reputation of my son.

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Honestly, most of my experiences with being a transgender mother don’t directly have to do with Wyatt. Our interactions have always been positive and even though he knows I have a “peanut” just like him, he sees me as a woman. No, most of my experiences as a transgender mother have been fear about living in a small town with my son now and what that means for his future. When I go out, I get the looks. I get the up and down where people are trying to figure out because there are still male signifiers. As Wyatt gets older, it won’t be a secret that one of his mother’s used to be male, and I’m terrified that information will make him the target for bullying. I’m terrified that as he gets older and wants to have friends come over, his friend’s parents won’t let their kids come over because of me. I’m anxious that his teachers will treat him differently because they have never even seen a transgender person before and now have to meet with one at parent teacher conferences. Most of all, I’m worried that one day, Wyatt will resent me for being who I am. I’m worried that he’ll resent me for not letting him have a father, for making him a target, for not letting him have a “normal” life.

In the end, I doubt there’s much of anything I can do about all of my fears. I’m incredibly thankful that right now there are no issues and that Wyatt has always seen me for who I am, and that there has never been a struggle to make him see me as a woman. I’ll continue to communicate the best I can with him, and I guess we’ll see what the future holds.

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News for the week

Hey there!

So this week, a lot has happened. I’ve started a Let’s Play channel on YouTube, where this week I’m playing World of Warcraft (WoW) and Life is Strange: Before the Storm. Shout out to David Banks for getting Life is Strange for me. In regards to playing WoW, I haven’t played in 3 years and I’m definitely jumping on the Blizzcon announcement train for Battle for Azeroth. WoW Classic also has me pretty hyped because I started playing at the end of vanilla and have always wanted to experience old WoW again. If you’re interested in watching these videos, just click here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIeINH4bnmlIR8O5k7BoEXA

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Gaming aside, I’ll be super busy working on community service that I have to do for some legal trouble I got in last year. For the next two weeks, I’ll be grinding away at a food pantry to knock out the 80 hours I owe. I’ll still be updating the blog and YouTube, but it will definitely make my schedule a lot more hectic.

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Book progress has been super slow. I didn’t accomplish anything I wanted to with my book because I’ve been pouring all of my attention into getting my Let’s Play channel going. I honestly don’t see a lot of progress being made while I work on community service, either. I am pleased to say that Act I is almost entirely outlined, though. I know it isn’t as great of news as actually getting the first chapter written or anything, but it’s progress.

Finally, I’ll be thinking of what topic to write about on Friday. I really want blog posts on Fridays to be about specific subjects and be more focused than life and channel updates. I never did the trans parent video, so I may just take the time to write about that. I also want to do a piece on control (because I like poking buttons).

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Setup and Book Plans

Fun fact about me: I’m really terrible at setting up websites. I don’t know CSS and I’m too cheap to pan out money to have someone else design my stuff, so I get stuck with what I can get. I have no one to blame but myself, but sometimes I wish I was motivated enough to learn CSS and HTML.

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Today I’ve been working on getting this site set up, which seems stupid to me since I don’t have anything to put on it yet. I think part of me is doing it to procrastinate writing, but I justify it by telling myself that if I’m going to take being an author seriously, I need to take my presentation seriously. There’s no point in writing a book if no one reads it, so I figured this would be the first step. Of course, it isn’t like I haven’t been working on my book before today, but everything has been outlining and continuously working on my outline makes me feel like I’m not getting anything done. I plan to start the first chapter soon, but I despise rewriting things more than I have to and I’m afraid that writing too early without all the characters set will result in having to redo entire sections of the book. My mental health episodes and personal life take up too much of my time to be wasting it on writing things that aren’t productive.

That being said, the plans for next week are:

  • Work on personal stuff that I have to do
  • Finish outlining Act I
  • Begin and finish outlining Act II
  • Write at least one chapter
  • Make a youtube video on being a transgender parent.

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If we’re being honest, if I accomplish half of that list, I’ll be happy. Oh, and somewhere in there I need to go shooting because a) It relieves stress for me b) I don’t want to lose the progress I’ve made. Oh, and of course I need to do something with Wyatt. Because kids need love, too. Being real though, this is why I had to leave school. All of the things I need to do are pretty simple, but all together they’re exhausting and I just didn’t have the energy to do what I wanted to do (tasks on my list), work full-time, and go to school. So I dropped school and work so I could do what I want to do. Just like my man, Lil Dicky

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Hopefully it pans out. Wish me luck!

~Scylla

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Stay Awhile and Listen

So last post I talked about trying to kill my cousin. Good stuff. Today I’m going to tell the awesome story of why I didn’t see my mother for 14 years.

It all started after my dad got married to his trailer trash wife (she really is trailer trash, her family lives in a trailer park). Being the young naive child I was, I thought that it was totally okay for me to say that I had 2 mothers. Well my bio mom did not like this at all and when I was talking to her on the phone one night, I called my step-mother my mom and my mom lost her shit (kinda like how I do now). I remember from this incident that I ended up swearing at her (though I don’t remember what I said. I only remember because I wasn’t allowed to swear at the time). Fast forward, my step-mother was terrified and I mean TERRIFIED of my bio mom and was afraid that my bio mom was going to come and kill her and take me. One of the most detailed memories I have is of my step-mom standing at the door with her softball bat (yea, how lame is that) when someone knocked on the door because she was afraid it was my bio-mom. It was actually my friend’s dad who my family was friends with (thanks to me). Anywho, the dramatic night ended with me at my friend’s house.

Fast forward a little bit and my bio-mom is now the equivalent of Voldemort in my house. My step-mom has had her first kid of her own, but is treating me decently still. Then the second one comes out and suddenly I’m treated like total shit. Everything that happens is my fault and every mistake I make warrants an 8 hour (not exaggerated) lecture because my step-mom was taking out her anger at her own life on me.

*Scylla fact! As a young child I had been lectured by my step-mother multiple times for not doing things like rinsing ketchup off my plate after dinner till 3am just because.

My father, who I had idolized as a child (hence why my bio-mom moved back to NY from Virginia) was completely indifferent towards me after his other kids. I was just the baggage he had from another life and I was never allowed to forget that. I’ll be fair to them, they weren’t the worst people in the world, I know that a lot of people have had it worse, but to me it ruined me. These experiences ruined the idea of what a family was to me and even now I believe that family is more of burden than anything positive.

I’m glossing over a lot of this part in my life, but I will definitely start writing anecdotes about certain situations that I remember clearly. In the end, I rejected my bio-mom and was ostracized by my dad and step-mother. To this day I don’t understand what families and support systems are.

Sorry this post sucks, but it’s a bit more about me if anyone cares.

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Early Childhood

I’ve been wondering how in depth I should get with this part of my life. I wonder, because it’s normal for human memories to become diluted as time passes. I’m going to share what I consider the highlights of this time period.

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I was born on February 10, 1990 in Rochester NY. I spent the first month of my life in the NCU since I was born a month early. From what they tell me, I had a heart murmur too, but I’ll be honest, I don’t have a clue how relevant that is to my life.

I spent the first few years of my life with my mother before at the age of 2 or 3 she left me in the care of a foster family. I was fortunate; my foster family was a good family and I did not have to endure many of the hardships and abuse that I’ve seen other children experience in foster care. I lived with my foster family for several years, and to be honest, it was a great point in my life. During this time period I taught myself to read by watching tons of PBS and I was introduced to Sonic and Golden Axe which was the spring board for my current video game addiction. The other children in the house were mostly adopted and many had been born with problems much worse than mine. Several were mentally handicapped, one of them so much that she is in a wheelchair and even to this day has the mental capacity of a toddler. I always have fond memories of this place because it was probably the most loving environment I have ever lived in. Oh, side note, living there is also where I grew to love Star Trek: Next Generation.

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About the time for Kindergarten, my mom came back (my parents visited once in awhile while I was with my foster family but it was very rare). I had a sister now too. The first time I remember meeting her was when my mom picked me up to move to Virginia with her.

Life in Virginia wasn’t particularly exciting. There were a few highlights, most of which were highlights of my mother’s poor parenting skills. She wasn’t abusive or anything, just a terrible parent. Time skip forward to the end of the school year and we moved back to NY because I wanted to see my dad. He had just graduated college and was living with my soon to be step-mother in a shitty little apartment. Anywho, so we moved back to upstate NY and that summer was the first time I can remember where looking back, I realize how messed up of a kid a was.

That summer, one of my cousins (a girl) came to visit from NYC. We played and did normal kid things, but after a few days, things got weird.

*Warning: If you keep reading that’s on you.*

Somewhere in my 6 year old brain, I came up with a game called “Sex or Die”. The premise of the game was as simple as it sounds. Either we have sex or you die. I should note that at this age, I had no idea what sex actually was and I thought it was just rubbing up again one another. Regardless, my cousin and I played this game. She always chose sex and we’d end up rubbing up against one another in my closet or some stupid stuff like that (it wasn’t even genital rubbing. Literally like intense hugging).

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Well one day, we had a pool set up in the backyard. The pool was one of those plastic kid pools with a crappy slide built into it. My cousin and I were playing with the water and doing normal kid stuff when for some reason I started the game. I looked at her and said “Sex or Die?”. For the first time she actually responded with “Die.” So, going through with the rules of the game, I grabbed the back of her head by the hair and shoved her face in the pool and attempted to drown her.

The only reason my cousin is alive is because at one point in her struggling she got her head above the water and screamed, which alerted my mom. My mom rushed out and saved her. From that point I don’t remember much other than my cousin crying and my mom drying her off and consoling her.

From what my sister says, none of my cousins are horribly traumatized by anything, so thankfully my actions didn’t have a huge impact on my cousin. Still, it makes me question why I did it whenever I think about it. Also, if you’ve read this, don’t worry, my anecdotes get even more fucked up.

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A Little About Me

So originally I was going to make the first blog start off with my childhood and stuff like that, but the more I thought about it, I felt like it was better to start off where where I am today  and move from there.

My name is Priscylla Rei Snow, and as of March 2016 I have fully come out as a mtf. For those of you who don’t know, mtf stands for Male to Female, meaning I’m transgender. To be honest, I’m not like a lot of other transgender people I know. Firstly, I don’t take pride in being identified as transgender. I don’t dislike it, but the point of all of this is to be seen as a woman. As long as I give power to the transgender title, I feel like I’m telling the world that trans is different than being a woman. Secondly, I did not grow up ever thinking that my life would take me in this direction. In all honesty, I had grown up thinking that everyone in the LGBT community was weird. I didn’t think they were evil or anything, and I certainly didn’t hate them, but I didn’t understand them or how they could feel the way they did.

I will openly admit, in my life, I have said things that you would expect a bigoted person to say. I have asked what is stopping anyone from saying they’re female and going to the women’s bathroom. I have despised and hated feminists. I have said incredibly racist and insensitive things. All of that will be explained as I get to those parts of my life and I will let readers judge if I’m a good person or not.

The last thing that I want to mention in this opening post is that at this point in my life, I have several major problems in my life.

Firstly, I drink. A lot. I make light of it and to a large extent I enjoy it, but it has gotten to the point where people around me have said their piece on it and that is part of the reason I’m starting this blog. I drink because I’m lonely and angry. I drink because I feel helpless in my life and weighed down by the experiences of my life. I drink because I like alcohol and I like how it makes me feel. My hope is that by sharing my experiences the people I know in my life will understand me better, and at the same time by sharing I will grow as a person and not feel the need to drink as much.

Secondly, I have super-duper bad depression problems that I’ve had since I started puberty. I know what you’re probably thinking, “Transgender with depression at puberty.” Well you’d be wrong. My depression had nothing to do with that in the beginning though it definitely has been effected by my HRT and life since I decided to transition. More to the point, my depression literally drives me into fits of borderline insanity. It’s a horrible experience and among the other parts of me that I’ll share when I discuss this part of me, many readers are going to think that I need a lot more help than I’m getting now. It is my hope, however, that sharing this and getting it out into the open will help me grow and help the people I want to be close to understand me more.

Anywho, I think that’s a pretty good start to all of this. I hope to be pretty consistent writing in this blog, but to be honest I’m a very inconsistent person, so we’ll see.

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