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Life is Strange: Before the Storm – Episode 1 Part 2 is up on YouTube!

Just like the title says! The next Let’s Play is out and it’s Life is Strange: Before the Storm! I finished episode 1 and it was a lot of fun. I didn’t expect the ending at all and I’m super stoked to start Episode 2 in the next couple of days. If you’re interested in checking out the video, it’s right below!

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My Experience as a Transgender Mother

To start, I’ll preface this with letting you know that my experience is unique in that my son did not know me at all before my transition. Because of this, I will not be sharing anything about what it was like for him to have to switch from calling me dad to mom or anything like that.

My son, Wyatt, is 6 years old. If I’m being honest, he’s a bit of a brat and all he really cares about is playing video games. Due to various reasons, I was not in his life for 5.5 years, but I fortunately, I get to spend every day with him now. When I first came back into Wyatt’s life, I lived in Atlanta, GA and he lived in Ohio. This meant that for the first 3ish months, our only interactions were on the phone talking on calls or video chat. I remember when I first started talking to him, I was super self conscious about my facial hair and would only talk to him when I had makeup on. I also tried to feminize my voice as much as possible, something that I don’t tend to do with people that I’m comfortable with. To me, making sure that he saw me as a woman was super important, even if he didn’t know I was his other “parent”. I wanted him to know me as Scylla, not as the person I was before.

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Fast-forward and it was March, 2017. I came to Ohio to visit Wyatt for the first time and then we saw one another once a month from there on out (I would come to Ohio to visit or he and my partner would come see me in GA). In the beginning, my partner, Tara, and I were hyper-vigilant about Wyatt not seeing any part of me that was male. That lasted about as long as you’d expect with a kid who barely understands boundaries. I remember there was a point where we thought he might have seen me naked coming out of the shower because he peaked and I remember there was this whole time where we didn’t know what to do. Eventually Tara talked to him and asked if he had seen anything, to which he promptly lied before finally giving in and admitting he’d seen my privates.

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Here’s the thing: Tara and I had thought it was going to be some sort of super complicated production explaining what I am to Wyatt. In reality, it wasn’t. He was incredibly receptive to it and ever since hasn’t questioned that not all boys and girls fit the “norm” that he has believed his whole life. If I’m being honest, I think that all he really cared about is whether or not I’d play video games with him or at least talk to him about games. I don’t think my genitalia or my gender matter to him in the slightest.

There was one issue that came up a few months later. In one of my own episodes of self-doubt, I asked Wyatt how he felt about not having a dad. Unsurprisingly to me, Wyatt admitted that he was sad that he didn’t have a dad. This had been a huge fear of mine since I came back into his life, and I know that it had been asked several times by both my family and Tara’s family, and I felt horrible for being the reason that he didn’t have a dad. I still do feel terrible sometimes when I think about it, mostly because my choices in my life have made him a target. When it comes to family projects at school, he now has to explain in even more complicated terms that he doesn’t have a dad, but he has 2 moms. Sure, there are plenty of families where there are 2 moms, but the whole concept is different when he’s growing up in a small Ohio town and people meet me and I’m not passing as well as I feel I should be. Then again, there’s a certain point where it’s my own insecurities and I just worry about what my status as a trans woman does to the reputation of my son.

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Honestly, most of my experiences with being a transgender mother don’t directly have to do with Wyatt. Our interactions have always been positive and even though he knows I have a “peanut” just like him, he sees me as a woman. No, most of my experiences as a transgender mother have been fear about living in a small town with my son now and what that means for his future. When I go out, I get the looks. I get the up and down where people are trying to figure out because there are still male signifiers. As Wyatt gets older, it won’t be a secret that one of his mother’s used to be male, and I’m terrified that information will make him the target for bullying. I’m terrified that as he gets older and wants to have friends come over, his friend’s parents won’t let their kids come over because of me. I’m anxious that his teachers will treat him differently because they have never even seen a transgender person before and now have to meet with one at parent teacher conferences. Most of all, I’m worried that one day, Wyatt will resent me for being who I am. I’m worried that he’ll resent me for not letting him have a father, for making him a target, for not letting him have a “normal” life.

In the end, I doubt there’s much of anything I can do about all of my fears. I’m incredibly thankful that right now there are no issues and that Wyatt has always seen me for who I am, and that there has never been a struggle to make him see me as a woman. I’ll continue to communicate the best I can with him, and I guess we’ll see what the future holds.

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News for the week

Hey there!

So this week, a lot has happened. I’ve started a Let’s Play channel on YouTube, where this week I’m playing World of Warcraft (WoW) and Life is Strange: Before the Storm. Shout out to David Banks for getting Life is Strange for me. In regards to playing WoW, I haven’t played in 3 years and I’m definitely jumping on the Blizzcon announcement train for Battle for Azeroth. WoW Classic also has me pretty hyped because I started playing at the end of vanilla and have always wanted to experience old WoW again. If you’re interested in watching these videos, just click here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIeINH4bnmlIR8O5k7BoEXA

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Gaming aside, I’ll be super busy working on community service that I have to do for some legal trouble I got in last year. For the next two weeks, I’ll be grinding away at a food pantry to knock out the 80 hours I owe. I’ll still be updating the blog and YouTube, but it will definitely make my schedule a lot more hectic.

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Book progress has been super slow. I didn’t accomplish anything I wanted to with my book because I’ve been pouring all of my attention into getting my Let’s Play channel going. I honestly don’t see a lot of progress being made while I work on community service, either. I am pleased to say that Act I is almost entirely outlined, though. I know it isn’t as great of news as actually getting the first chapter written or anything, but it’s progress.

Finally, I’ll be thinking of what topic to write about on Friday. I really want blog posts on Fridays to be about specific subjects and be more focused than life and channel updates. I never did the trans parent video, so I may just take the time to write about that. I also want to do a piece on control (because I like poking buttons).

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Setup and Book Plans

Fun fact about me: I’m really terrible at setting up websites. I don’t know CSS and I’m too cheap to pan out money to have someone else design my stuff, so I get stuck with what I can get. I have no one to blame but myself, but sometimes I wish I was motivated enough to learn CSS and HTML.

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Today I’ve been working on getting this site set up, which seems stupid to me since I don’t have anything to put on it yet. I think part of me is doing it to procrastinate writing, but I justify it by telling myself that if I’m going to take being an author seriously, I need to take my presentation seriously. There’s no point in writing a book if no one reads it, so I figured this would be the first step. Of course, it isn’t like I haven’t been working on my book before today, but everything has been outlining and continuously working on my outline makes me feel like I’m not getting anything done. I plan to start the first chapter soon, but I despise rewriting things more than I have to and I’m afraid that writing too early without all the characters set will result in having to redo entire sections of the book. My mental health episodes and personal life take up too much of my time to be wasting it on writing things that aren’t productive.

That being said, the plans for next week are:

  • Work on personal stuff that I have to do
  • Finish outlining Act I
  • Begin and finish outlining Act II
  • Write at least one chapter
  • Make a youtube video on being a transgender parent.

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If we’re being honest, if I accomplish half of that list, I’ll be happy. Oh, and somewhere in there I need to go shooting because a) It relieves stress for me b) I don’t want to lose the progress I’ve made. Oh, and of course I need to do something with Wyatt. Because kids need love, too. Being real though, this is why I had to leave school. All of the things I need to do are pretty simple, but all together they’re exhausting and I just didn’t have the energy to do what I wanted to do (tasks on my list), work full-time, and go to school. So I dropped school and work so I could do what I want to do. Just like my man, Lil Dicky

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Hopefully it pans out. Wish me luck!

~Scylla

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