Personal stories, Updates

Where’s Scylla Been???

Hey cool kids!

So I’ve been AFK for sure for the last few weeks. I’d love there to be a profound reason, like I was busy doing this or that, but the fact is, I’ve just been so depressed I haven’t been doing anything. I tell myself constantly that depression isn’t an excuse to be unproductive, and I truly and honestly believe that. Yet, here I am, not blogging, not making Let’s Play videos. I literally just sit at home, procrastinating applying for jobs and not working on anything like I should be. I’m ashamed of myself and honestly, I don’t feel like I have a valid excuse.

I haven’t even been taking care of myself. Most days I stay in my pajamas and I wish I could say that showering and basic hygiene were the norm. Most of the time I feel disgusted with myself and my body and I wonder what the point of any of it is.

The only upside lately is getting to spend time with Wyatt and Tara. Wyatt annoys the shit out of me, but I love him to death and it’s fascinating to watch him grow. Tara does her best to make sure that I don’t die and without her I don’t know what I’d do. She’s the only person I talk to anymore for the most part and I guess there’s no one to blame for that but myself. I just feel like a failure. I’ve failed at Georgia Tech, I’ve failed to keep up with my projects and work. I’m pretty sure I’m a failure as a mother, too.

Anywho, this blog isn’t really meant to be for ranting about personal stuff, but if anyone has been wondering where I’ve been, that’s about it.

~Scylla

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let's play, Updates

Holiday update and Battle Chef Brigade Let’s Play

Hey cool kids!

So Thanksgiving was yesterday and like with everyone else, mine was super stressful! I went to Tara’s (my partner) mom’s for lunch meal, then her dad’s for “Dinner”. The food was pretty good, but it was really awkward trying to hold conversations with people who:

a) Don’t understand me being trans

b) Hated my guts until earlier this year

c) I have nothing in common with other than my son and partner

I didn’t do anything with my family because they either live in other states or didn’t invite me. Still, I definitely feel like I’ve had worse Thanksgivings and I’m thankful that it went as well as it did.

As far as blog posts go, I was going to do a post on gun control with my opinions on it and the opinions of other people, but getting people to agree and getting different view points was more difficult than I had anticipated. Once things settle down a bit, I’ll probably give it another shot, but until then, please be satisfied with this garbage.

I do, however, have some exciting news about my book! No, I haven’t accomplished anything major with it, but I did finally figure out how magick is going to work in the world. I won’t spoil anything, but I will say that it is going to make writing characters casting spells a lot harder for me to write.

Finally, there’s some Battle Chef Brigade news from me! I’m officially one of the moderators for the Battle Chef Brigade Reddit, an honor given to me after someone called me out for all my leader board scores on twitter. I’m stoked to get to be part of the community now that I’m not working on the game and really hope to help the game grow as a consumer. That being said, here’s my shameless plug about my most recent Let’s Play!

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Uncategorized

My Experience as a Transgender Mother

To start, I’ll preface this with letting you know that my experience is unique in that my son did not know me at all before my transition. Because of this, I will not be sharing anything about what it was like for him to have to switch from calling me dad to mom or anything like that.

My son, Wyatt, is 6 years old. If I’m being honest, he’s a bit of a brat and all he really cares about is playing video games. Due to various reasons, I was not in his life for 5.5 years, but I fortunately, I get to spend every day with him now. When I first came back into Wyatt’s life, I lived in Atlanta, GA and he lived in Ohio. This meant that for the first 3ish months, our only interactions were on the phone talking on calls or video chat. I remember when I first started talking to him, I was super self conscious about my facial hair and would only talk to him when I had makeup on. I also tried to feminize my voice as much as possible, something that I don’t tend to do with people that I’m comfortable with. To me, making sure that he saw me as a woman was super important, even if he didn’t know I was his other “parent”. I wanted him to know me as Scylla, not as the person I was before.

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Fast-forward and it was March, 2017. I came to Ohio to visit Wyatt for the first time and then we saw one another once a month from there on out (I would come to Ohio to visit or he and my partner would come see me in GA). In the beginning, my partner, Tara, and I were hyper-vigilant about Wyatt not seeing any part of me that was male. That lasted about as long as you’d expect with a kid who barely understands boundaries. I remember there was a point where we thought he might have seen me naked coming out of the shower because he peaked and I remember there was this whole time where we didn’t know what to do. Eventually Tara talked to him and asked if he had seen anything, to which he promptly lied before finally giving in and admitting he’d seen my privates.

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Here’s the thing: Tara and I had thought it was going to be some sort of super complicated production explaining what I am to Wyatt. In reality, it wasn’t. He was incredibly receptive to it and ever since hasn’t questioned that not all boys and girls fit the “norm” that he has believed his whole life. If I’m being honest, I think that all he really cared about is whether or not I’d play video games with him or at least talk to him about games. I don’t think my genitalia or my gender matter to him in the slightest.

There was one issue that came up a few months later. In one of my own episodes of self-doubt, I asked Wyatt how he felt about not having a dad. Unsurprisingly to me, Wyatt admitted that he was sad that he didn’t have a dad. This had been a huge fear of mine since I came back into his life, and I know that it had been asked several times by both my family and Tara’s family, and I felt horrible for being the reason that he didn’t have a dad. I still do feel terrible sometimes when I think about it, mostly because my choices in my life have made him a target. When it comes to family projects at school, he now has to explain in even more complicated terms that he doesn’t have a dad, but he has 2 moms. Sure, there are plenty of families where there are 2 moms, but the whole concept is different when he’s growing up in a small Ohio town and people meet me and I’m not passing as well as I feel I should be. Then again, there’s a certain point where it’s my own insecurities and I just worry about what my status as a trans woman does to the reputation of my son.

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Honestly, most of my experiences with being a transgender mother don’t directly have to do with Wyatt. Our interactions have always been positive and even though he knows I have a “peanut” just like him, he sees me as a woman. No, most of my experiences as a transgender mother have been fear about living in a small town with my son now and what that means for his future. When I go out, I get the looks. I get the up and down where people are trying to figure out because there are still male signifiers. As Wyatt gets older, it won’t be a secret that one of his mother’s used to be male, and I’m terrified that information will make him the target for bullying. I’m terrified that as he gets older and wants to have friends come over, his friend’s parents won’t let their kids come over because of me. I’m anxious that his teachers will treat him differently because they have never even seen a transgender person before and now have to meet with one at parent teacher conferences. Most of all, I’m worried that one day, Wyatt will resent me for being who I am. I’m worried that he’ll resent me for not letting him have a father, for making him a target, for not letting him have a “normal” life.

In the end, I doubt there’s much of anything I can do about all of my fears. I’m incredibly thankful that right now there are no issues and that Wyatt has always seen me for who I am, and that there has never been a struggle to make him see me as a woman. I’ll continue to communicate the best I can with him, and I guess we’ll see what the future holds.

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